Ticket 2 Ride

Let’s admit it, Money rules. Money is a rock star. Money decides careers, marriages, life priorities, the fate of nations, and whether many live or die.

I’m intrigued by money, so I asked Thurston Howell III to put me in contact with Money; I wanted an interview with the mysterious Money. This request was made before the pandemic, and finally, the request was granted: game on. I would get 30 minutes and could ask anything I want, except about the former Mrs. Money. That’s off-limits, it’s still too soon, the ink is not dry on the divorce currency yet.

I’m told that Money rarely appears in person, it’s usually over the internet, and I’d have submit written questions. So, here goes the first question…

Mike: Thank you for agreeing to an interview, I know you’re in high demand.

[And the response flashed on the screen…]

Money: Who doesn’t want money? Not a day goes by that everyone, including you, think about me…Money is life. Mine anyway.

Mike: That’s quite a sense of power. How do you deal with it?

Money: You mean, does it go to my head? I don’t wake up in the morning and count myself. I know my value.

Mike: How do you feel about the rise of cryptocurrencies?

Money: How did car buyers feel about the Edsel? Suckers. I’m not worried. Some people will believe anything. You want to invest in that hocus-pocus, I’ll sell you some Trump NFT’s.

Mike: Democracy is about having an educated society. Education is expensive, higher education is beyond many. Tuition is high, and taxes that support public education are rising.

Money: People determine what things cost, I don’t. My value is strong, and people like me! Learn how to accumulate me, and don’t spend me on foolishness. It’s not that complicated. One can educate themselves in different ways, not just college.

Mike: It’s said that money is the root of evil. How do you respond to that?

Money: Ouch. Please, haven’t you heard of free will? Don’t blame me for your own weaknesses and failings. And I’m not responsible for wars. That’s another department. I just pay the invoices.

Mike: Aren’t most wars about acquiring resources and land from others?

Money: Again, not my department. World domination and aggression, third floor, room 327. But in all seriousness, wars can be good for economies. Don’t quote me on that, I don’t need the publicity.

Mike: Speaking of economics, the pandemic fueled inflation and put a lot of people out of work. Economies have struggled and governments have collapsed around the world.

Money: Too many people chasing too few goods and services. There’s now over eight billion people on Earth! Imagine they all want Taylor Swift tickets at Wembley. There aren’t eight billion seats, especially on the floor! Supply and demand, baby. I’m just the method of barter, not the product.

Mike: Let me turn to the stock market. The life blood of our economy. Certainly you must get a rush when trading is hot.

Money: The stock market. The greatest shell game ever! I change hands regardless of whether it is a bull or bear market. The currency market is where the action is. Dollar verses Euro or Yen. I live for that.

Mike: According to Forbes, there are 2,781 billionaires in the world, up more than a hundred since last year.

Money: Remember Bill Gates comment: “If you are born poor it’s not your mistake, but if you die poor it’s your mistake.”

Mike: Not everyone can be wealthy, isn’t there a finite amount of wealth in the world?

Money: Is there enough of me to go around? No, sadly not. Remember, you don’t want governments printing more and more of me; inflation.

Mike: The top 1 percent owns 43 percent of the world’s wealth, doesn’t that seem unfair?

Money: Unfair? Unfair is when currency is devalued. How would you like to be carried around in a wheelbarrow to buy a loaf of bread? That’s embarrassing!

Mike: when I grew up, young people flashed the peace sign. Now it’s the dollar sign. Why are you so worshipped?

[At about the mid-point of our interview, the phone rang and guess who it was? Money. The voice was a deep, baritone. Not James Earl Jones, more like Tommy Lee Jones. Certainly attention-getting.]

Money: You say that like it’s a bad thing. I love religion, and they damn well love me! They always have. If money was such a bad thing, why are there so many wealthy religious leaders? Have you seen those fancy places of worship? Palaces! Religion is big business. So, let’s talk!

Mike: Okay, yes. Let’s talk. You sound different than I imagined.

Money: You expected some crotchety old man? This is not a Dickens story.

Mike: Of course not. All joking aside, I worry that human values focus too much attention on wealth creation and less effort on contributing to the survival of mankind.

Money: Are you one of those people who believe that picking an apple off a tree is free? You think the apple Adam bit into was free? You are confusing money with cost, young man.

Mike: I have to ask you about interest rates. Currently, mortgage rates are the highest since the late 1990s. Credit card rates are almost 25 percent. Borrowing money is expensive.

Money: You may not have been around in the 1980s to remember that mortgage rates were around 18 percent. Not long ago, rates were in the twos. It all comes around.

Mike: The great pendulum in the sky swings from one extreme to the other?

Money: If you are looking for change, go to a fashion show. Life is a set of precise, predictable measures. Until people fuck it up.

Mike: Thanks for taking the time to talk with me.

Money: I’ll leave you with one final thought. The late baseball executive Buzzie Bavasi once said: “We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules.” It still holds true.