Resting on the Bottom

Life takes turns that leave you gasping for air. Every last breath.

Nothing is so bad that the lights should go out, but then they flicker and the room fades slow to black. The floor drops out from under you. Whatever you use to balance and ground your life – are gone.

You are sinking, a foot at a time, slowly, down. You are cold, the chill cuts like razor blades, your hope bleeding out. Downward you go, only a small orb of light overhead, shrinking to a distant, disappearing star.

This journey began on one path and somehow diverted from paved roadway to rutted and uneven trail. From familiar to unknown, from sunny to gloomy, straight to winding. Your footing falters as each step is labored and prone to tripping.

The load in your backpack was light and evenly distributed. Now, the weight compresses every disc in your back, every step heavier than the previous one. Every care and problem piled into the pack, pushing you below the waterline.

Only bubbles float to the surface. In slow motion you are sinking into darkness. Swimming motions do not slow the descent. Everything you have learned to rebalance is not working. There are no hands reaching into view to grab hold. You see faint daylight, like the faint remnants of a ghostly dream, stuck between sleep and consciousness.

It is quiet. There are no voices, not even one in your head to give guidance. It’s all down to you.

The pieces of your life, they fit together in a unique pattern like a puzzle designed just for you. But the pieces no longer fit. What used to make sense no longer does, the piece shapes seem to have changed before you. Did you not notice? Or maybe you saw, but did nothing. Struggle as you do, no amount of pushing and maneuvering will fit them into place.

What began as a struggle like no other, slowed to a complete stop. When you reach the deepest region, stress falls away. It is not exactly comfortable, it is freeing. All of that grinding of gears, frustration, and search for reason – dissolved. Previous looks in the mirror revealed an unrecognizable image. Now, the face is you.

How does the road become foreign, the obstacles so large and the sense of hope so small?

You struggle unnoticed, in your own bubble. You wake up and wonder how you got here. Is there a worst day? No, like dominos, each one falling with equal disappointment. Life in the bubble is suffocating. Many days you do not care which side of the grass you wake up on.

Now, what you want is peace. The bottom feels cool and inviting. And calls your name. Why not.

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