Ticket 2 Ride

“I’m too old for this shit!” Words I’d never pondered saying. Why would you want to think of yourself as old? What is old, anyway?

When I think of old people, my picture is not amongst them. The reflection in the mirror every morning is some 35-year old guy. I’ve nothing against aging, except for the physical and neurological issues that seem linked to the calendar. This is not an age rant, it’s really a humorous look at things we let go of at a certain point.

I caught myself thinking of the age card when looking at the yard. What a mess. In years past I would have been raking, mulching and filling bags with yard matter. Then I would limp around with an angry back and throbbing shoulder, my reward for a clean yard.

I also gave up spending time balancing on a ladder and cleaning out gutters after I sold the other house a few years ago. Unclogging gutters during more than one rainstorm – to prevent another water leak – are now just fond memories. More than one friend lived to tell of falling off a ladder, and their surgeries that followed.

I’m not even offended when a cashier applies the senior discount without even asking me. It’s the worldly look and slight graying at the temples.

Age is just a state of mind. Sort of. Sure, for football coach Bill Belichick (age 73) and his 24-year old girlfriend. I also have a younger partner, but my wife is only five years younger, yet she can run circles around me. I applaud her stamina! In my experience, the size of the male ego grows inversely proportional to the size of the prostate.

I try to let go of things that waste my time or energy. If I need to wait in line for something, it better be worth it. Drama, I avoid it. I have no time for sales people or being talked into something. Of course, we need to keep growing and challenging ourselves; to stand still is to regress because the world moves beneath our feet.

There’s a sucker born every minute, but there seen be scammers born at a faster rate. I’ve noticed the games get a bit trickier, particularly those aimed at an older demographic. A few months ago, I was a victim of the “you have an active warrant for not appearing for jury duty” game. The person calls (the caller ID shows the police department) and asks for, then indicates they are calling from the local PD to give you a heads-up that a warrant has been issued for my arrest for failure to appear for federal jury. The caller is all business, describing the consequences about to be dropped on me. Yet, he describes how I can stay the warrant and get myself out of this jam. It’s convincing and scary. This guy knew just enough about me to not raise suspicions, and they cloned the PD number. I used to work for the city he claimed to be calling from so I began to see cracks in his script, and hung up on him. This entire conversation was quick, it just seemed lengthy. He never called back. Interestingly, this scam also happened to a former U.S. Attorney that I know, he described his experience on Facebook.

We can be conned at any age, but it’s true that thieves are drawn to those who are most vulnerable. My mother got signed up for an expensive home security monitoring plan, a service much more elaborate than she needed or wanted. Thankfully, my brother-in-law helped her get out of that.

When we’re young, we can’t wait to grow up. When we get to our Golden Years, we want life to slow down so we can enjoy the time left and what we’ve built or accomplished. In between, we’re too busy with career and family, we’re figuring it out on the run. My the time that we think we’ve got a handle on life, we get a curve ball or a knuckleball, and are faced with new challenges.

There’s a lot of shit I don’t miss dealing with. But you know what, other shit has replaced the old shit. It’s life. At least you can say that you’re too old. And it looks like Roger Murtaugh will be back in Lethal Weapon 5 to say it one more time.