Ticket 2 Ride

Seinfeld was an edgy show that often went right up to the line of good taste, and sometimes went right past it without slowing down. Immigrants, homosexuality, age, religion, impotence, male and female body parts, sexual techniques, drugging someone, stalking, leering at women, birth control, suicide, homelessness, disabilities, Nazis and even serial killers were fodder for the writers.

My wife and I are regular Seinfeld watchers before bed. It was our conversations about some of these episodes that led me to making a list.

It’s interesting that Seinfeld was taped on the same stage as the classic 1960s sitcom The Dick Van Dyke Show. The two shows would be defined by exceptional writing and characters that were three-dimensional. In its day, The Dick Van Dyke Show would come under fire for the slim-fitting pants Laura Petrie wore. At least Rob and Laura slept in twin beds and there was no mention of sponges or shrinkage.

Frankly, most of the Seinfeld episodes of seasons one and two are rather weak compared with later seasons. I’m mostly skipping over those seasons because the writers were finding the show’s vibe, its uniqueness compared to other shows, and for the characters to emerge from generic into defined, but flawed personalities, and to not play for the easy or trendy laugh.

Seinfeld did more than make us laugh, its humor was biting, with issues and subjects that were usually off-limits or badly handled in the presentation. Seinfeld writers were known for introducing a topic and going right up to the edge, and yet suggesting more than they actually say. Offensive? Very often. In bad taste? Sometimes. Funny? Hell, yes!

Here are my choices for episodes that couldn’t be made today for network television. Cable networks or streaming? That’s a possibility, but the morality cops and social censors have returned in America to help viewers resist becoming progressive. It’s interesting how offensive some people are (and are proud of it), yet want to cleanse the “air” of social commentary. Go figure.

These are some of the episodes that raise a red flag, either because of subject matter or simply quality. What are your episodes?

Giddy-up!

“The Phone Message” (Season 2, Episode 9) After a good first date, George turns down his date Carol’s offer to come up for coffee, only to realize later that “coffee” meant sex. He leaves a series of disastrous messages on her answering machine, including an angry, hostile one after she doesn’t call back. He convinces Jerry to help him sneak into her apartment to change the answering machine tape.

“The Shoes” (Season 4, Episode 16) The shoes belong to Elaine who gives them to a chef that Jerry dated. At her restaurant, the head of NBC programming is served a dish that later makes him violently ill. George and Jerry visit him to talk about the script for their pilot. George gets caught ogling the young daughter and is caught by her father, the NBC guy. The sight of Jerry and George staring at the teenager’s cleavage is very cringy. How was it funny then?

“The Puerto Rican Day” (Season 9, Episode 20) Apparently, this episode was even too much for Jerry Seinfeld and the producers, who held this episode out of syndication for a while and edited the episode to downplay the act of Kramer setting fire to a Puerto Rican flag, stomping on it, and causing a riot. I’m not aware of the genesis of this episode, but flag desecration is not really a funny subject. Mixing in that Kramer is threatened by two gay guys who have appeared before in a menacing manner to Kramer and Jerry, this episode played several tone deaf notes.

“The Chinese Woman” (Season 6, Episode 4) Donna Chang is not Chinese, but everyone, including Jerry, assumes she is because of the name. Kramer is afraid his boxer shorts are lowering his sperm count so go goes commando. He hooks up with Elaine’s friend after Elaine sabotages her relationship with the “long talker”, and Kramer thinks he’s gotten her pregnant (the boys are back in town). Because Donna has talked to George’s mother Estelle and gives her advice to not divorce George’s dad, Estelle because it is Chinese wisdom, but when meeting Donna, Estelle now doesn’t trust the advice. The conversation about Kramer’s “boys” and then his elation over thinking he got Elaine’s friend pregnant is very candid, maybe too candid. The assumptions made over how someone’s name sounds and the cultural assumptions may be controversial, but in today’s America, where racism, misogyny and religious discrimination are at a high – this might be a great episode.

“The Jimmy” (Season 6, Episode 19) Kramer is mistaken for a mentally challenged man and because of that is selected as a guest of honor at fundraiser banquet where he is serenaded by Mel Torme. Prototype athlete shoes which make Kramer walk funny, and recent dental work makes Kramer slur and drool – so Kramer is assumed to be mentally challenged. Ouch.

“The Cigar Store Indian” (Season 5, Episode 10) Jerry spots a full-sized wooden, cigar store Indian. He buys it for Elaine as a present, but she doesn’t want it. He delivers it to her apartment when she has some friends over, one of which is Native American. Jerry takes a shine to her, but also trips over himself using Indian slurs. The other stories: Kramer’s coffee table book and George having sex with a woman in his parents’ bed and getting caught, are funny. The main story about unintentional racial slurs makes some points but it certainly goes directly at it in a way that would turn off many people.

“The Outing” (Season 4, Episode 17) Elaine’s prank on a reporter leads to an article mistakenly outing Jerry and George as a gay couple, prompting the famous “Not that there’s anything wrong with that” line as they try to deny it, while George uses the misunderstanding to get out of a relationship, much to his mother’s horror. The episode is known for its commentary on social acceptance and the characters’ awkward attempts to navigate the situation.

“The Hamptons” (Season 5, Episode 21), which originally aired on May 12, 1994. In it, a panicked George Costanza is seen naked by his girlfriend’s friend after swimming in cold water and frantically tries to explain that his manhood experienced significant, temporary reduction or shrinkage. Jerry famously describes the condition as shrinking “like a frightened turtle.”

“The Beard” (Season 6, Episode 16) Elaine pretends to be a “beard” (a woman dating a gay man) for a friend, only to develop real feelings and try to convert him; George wears a toupee and is rejected by a bald woman, leading to irony; and Jerry takes a lie detector test to hide his secret love for the show Melrose Place. Kramer also gets involved in police lineups and a homeless man steals his Tupperware.

“The Little Jerry” (Season 8, Episode 11) Fighting roosters, what’s not funny about that. Kramer buys a chicken to get his own eggs, then discovers it is not a hen, but a rooster. Kramer gets wrangled into having his rooster, named Little Jerry, go up against an opponent.

“The Limo” (Season 3, Episode 19) Besides being one of the series worst episodes creatively, a comedy about Nazis and white supremacists, and guns is a tough sell. Jerry and George take a limo intended for another passenger, and they assume his identity on their way to Madison Square Garden. Written by Larry Charles. Why?

“The Invitations” (Season 7, Episode 24) George buys wedding invitations, choosing the cheapest ones, unaware that the toxic glue will lead to Susan’s death. The episode ends with the shocking death of Susan. George wanted out of the engagement, but not that way. A very somber end.

“The Wallet” (Season 4, Episode 5) Elaine is dating her therapist. The Dr. Reston character’s whole existence is very weird. A psychiatrist using pressure tactics to get a romantic/sexual relationship with his patient is the kind of thing that should at the very least cost him his medical license, and is creepy, not funny.

“The Implant,” (Season 4, Episode 19) Jerry dates a woman (Sidra, played by Teri Hatcher) whose large breasts Elaine insists are implants, leading Jerry to break up with her; however, an accidental fall in a sauna makes Elaine realize they’re real, prompting Jerry to try and reconcile, while George’s attempt to get a bereavement airfare discount for a funeral backfires when he’s caught “double-dipping” a chip.

“The Merv Griffin Show” (Season 9, Episode 6) Kramer finds the old set of Merv Griffin’s talk show in the trash, so he sits it up in his apartment and plays the role of talk show host. Meanwhile, the B-story has Jerry drugging his girlfriend to play with her toys from the 1960s. He not only drugs her once, George and Elaine get into it as well. While the joke is cringy to begin with, he doesn’t do it to have sex with the woman, so I guess that makes it right? Not really.

“The Masseuse” (Season 5, Episode 9) Jerry’s girlfriend is a professional masseuse, but she won’t give him a massage. He tries several different ways to get her to do it, but she won’t fall for it and breaks up with him. Meanwhile, Elaine’s boyfriend has the same name as a wanted serial killer, Joel Rifkin, so she pressures him to change his name and then doesn’t like any of his suggested choices.

“The Sponge” (Season 7, Episode 9) A two-fer episode with two edgy plots.

The contraceptive sponge that Elaine uses is taken off the market. In a panic, she buys up all the available sponges she can find. Because they are now scare, she has to be judicious about using them and must be sure the guy is “sponge worthy” before going to bed with them. Meanwhile, Susan, George’s fiancée, is out of that sponge too, but Elaine won’t give George one when he stops by, forcing George to try using a condom.

Kramer signs up for the AIDS walk but refuses to wear the ribbon, causing him to get roughed up by other walkers

“The Suicide” (Season 3, Episode 15) Jerry’s neighbor slips into a coma after attempting to take his own life, and Jerry worries he’ll recover and seek revenge when he starts dating the guy’s girlfriend. Not funny and poorly written.

“The Alternate Side” (Season 3, Episode 11) Elaine wants to break up with her 66-year-old boyfriend until he has a stroke, making Elaine fear she can’t leave him or she’ll look heartless.

“The Contest” (Season 4, Episode 11) Although quite funny, this show is about being the “master of my domain.” Masterbation is the theme, who can hold out the longest. And, Jerry and Kramer watch a woman across the street undress.

“The Wizard” (Season, 9, Episode 15) Elaine is convinced by Jerry that her boyfriend Darryl (Samuel Bliss Cooper) is Black. Normally, this would be an easy thing to tell, but Elaine’s awkwardness around broaching the subject has her questioning if Darryl is, in fact, non-white, especially once he describes them as an interracial couple. As it turns out, Darryl’s not only white, but he believes they were an interracial couple because he had mistaken Elaine for a Hispanic woman.

“The Bookstore” (Season 9, Episode 17) Kramer and Newman scheme to start a rickshaw business, but their wonderfully offensive idea is to get unhoused individuals to pull the rickshaws for them, because, as Kramer argues, “they’re always walking around the city. Why not just strap something to them?”

“The Fusilli Jerry” (Season 6, Episode 21)

The Assman license plate and Jerry’s method to please a woman during sex highlight this episode. Kramer gets a proctologist’s license plate by mistake and he mistakenly puts the move on George’s mother. But the edgier plot involves other George and Puddy using Jerry’s complex sexual move in bed.