I Believe in Dr. Christmas

There’s a rainbow curved around the moon
It’s the craziest thing you ever saw
Colored lights to guide Santa on his journey
Please turn right just outside Wichita

Lucy says the doctor is in
Drop your pants for the exam
Is stripping really necessary
I’m just here for the free ham

Christmastime has many meanings
But what would the celebration be
Without boasting your religion is better
And gift-wrapped weapons under the tree

The holidays are for maxing your debt
No worries just pay it next year
As credit card rates escalate
Come January just rob the cashier

With the spiked punch bravery grows
And loosens our self-restraint
The angel says to let down the guard
Skip today from being a saint

For each of the twelve days of Christmas
The doctor advises committing one sin
It’s allowed in the spirit of the holiday
Quit overthinking it, just begin

You’ve lived this long as a nice guy
As the snow falls and the drinks go down
Shift into a more confident gear
Quarter draws, start being a clown

In the back of your mind you know
The doctor doesn’t even need to talk
The meaning of your life is clear
Every day, each step a sleepwalk

What makes this year so different
There’s a smile hanging over your head
You’ve stepped outside your old self
Following the doctor’s advice instead

When you reach for your wallet
Drop your pants and slide
Cast your fate to the wind
Feel the ice on you backside

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